hi, i'm jasmine, i'm currently in_________

fireworks as sprinkles

2009-09-10T06:42:00.006-04:00

Is everyone’s journey really supposed to be unique? Is there truly such a thing as a unique experience in our overly-manufactured world?

We have all experienced moments in which we believed to be the only living beings with that story to tell. In fact, there are millions of us walking around, thinking we are special; just as you think you are special and I think that I am. Can we all be special??! Wouldn't that mean that none of us are special, since being "special" is now the norm??

I scare the sleep from my eyes as our world drifts around us in clouds of thoughts and memories. I untangle tomorrow's yesterday as I fight to keep it all away...yet all I do is bring it back to cradle me. Now, isn't that special?

When will the world stop turning so we may stand still and keep our mind in motion while our body is at rest? Did that happen while I was sleeping again?!

Do you believe that "being unique" is the opposite of uniqueness? I am not sure I know what I believe anymore, but all I know is that life is a game...

Life hands us all the same set of playing cards, arranged differently by each of us, at random. Sometimes, you win early on in the game...and sometimes, you don’t.

Now if I could only figure out the rules of the game...

toss a coin

2009-03-27T00:19:00.002-04:00

i had two visits to the emergency room during the last month; the first, gave me seven days of antibiotics and the second, 10 days.

it has been very hard to gain my strength as we had a family wedding (hosted at my house), as well as various other things...

yesterday was my first day out in almost three full weeks---literally.

the sound of the rain was my comfort. it was an all-day outing to bahrain from early morning until nighttime. i came back to saudi totally exhausted, but it was worth it.

i am very proud to report that i read eight books and wrote a lot while ill. i feel slightly weak still but i will remain focused on my mission to read and write more...even while healthy.

fri the 13th/vday

2009-02-13T17:50:00.000-05:00

"fight like cats and make up like bunnies."

f-elp

2009-02-10T13:35:00.001-05:00

i wish i were brave enough to be a coward.

sad old year

2008-12-31T08:36:00.002-05:00

does anyone else eat 12 grapes for new years?!

it seems this is a fruit conspiracy latina moms made up to make the kids/big kids eat something healthy. each grape is supposed to represent one of the months of the upcoming year.

so if the first one you pop is sour, it means you'd have a sour january...and so on.

i hope i don't get another sour bunch like last year...

happy nothing. i'm going to bed. maybe i'll spend the passing of the years in a dream...

...after i eat the grapes, of course.

wait, it's not even 5:00 p.m. yet.

"keep your hands dirty, it will keep your mind clean."

2008-12-20T23:52:00.006-05:00

this has been the worst vacation.

i've become obsessed with www.answerbag.com (which is an amazing site, check it out if you haven't!!!!) just to pass the time. i won't go into details...but my vacation-situation was sh*t.

how much longer until 2009???

do you think i'll stick to my resolution this year and have a better year than the one that is passing currently?

oh, great. just what i need...a happy sappy slappy song on the radio.

excuse me while i go throw pebbles at my own window.

mature moment

2008-12-13T23:22:00.005-05:00

you know something?

life is about taking turns.

when the world is fair to one person, everyone else has to wait.

as the earth spins and wobbles, lopsidedly, within its orbit, the spotlight shines on that lucky winner of the hour. eventually, it will be your turn to be the chosen one, and you will get your centered moment, when peace fills your lungs and your thoughts, and things go smoothly for you. reality is, the world is a vast place, full of tons of people, so when your turn comes, TAKE ADVANTAGE OF IT AND SAVOR EACH AND EVERY MOMENT. you are not guaranteed many of those within your lifetime, at least not so close together.

right now, someone else is having their "moment," so i guess i'll have to wait.

today was terrible. i hope to not have another turbulent tomorrow.

breathe, appreciate, repeat

2008-12-11T20:07:00.002-05:00

the family is outside my door again.

i don't want to admit that i'm awake, so i pretend to be asleep.

i should reveal myself. sadly, i still exist within this world---i must re-enter it for a brief while to prove to those around me that i'm still here!!

today was a good day.

i pierced my lip again.

seasons greetings/grievances

2008-12-08T20:36:00.006-05:00

family gatherings are hectic.

before returning here, i had a lot of them with my father's family, especially since one of my cousins decided to get married and include a whole new family into the mix. now that i've returned to where i used to live, i'm spending more time with my mother's side.

different traditions, different tongues and different customs. i am all holiday-ed out...and we still have a few more to celebrate...oh, boy!

don't get me wrong, i love my family. however, spending a lot of time with them within small quarters has proven to be one of the most challenging challenges i've had to overcome during the past few months.

my car was busted today. they fixed it and then within the hour, it got damaged again. finally, someone managed to correct the problem, after some money was passed out. hopefully, the car is well and ready to face yet another day.

i am happy.

i am overwhelmed.

i am happily overwhelmed.

i watched a marathon of anthony bourdain: no reservations on the travel channel. somehow, being transported to another country/cuisine at this late hour proved to be the best escape. the sound of clinging dishes as they were being washed, the cat dwelling from person to person, and partial conversations about relatives i have not seen since i was five, was too much for me.

i have now locked myself in my old bedroom. i realize that isolating myself is not the best solution, as i turned everything off days before my departure. now that the reality is settling into my heavily utilized stomach today, so is the reality of how alone i am.

everyone is eating cake and laughing in the next room. i don't feel the need to join them so i will sit here and type to myself.

i fixed my phone today...

...call me.

ashamed

2008-11-30T16:25:00.000-05:00

i want to write right.

vacuum

2008-11-21T10:01:00.003-05:00

*sigh*

i am trying to pick up the pieces and not fall between the cracks...

the thing is, with all the work that i'm doing...i'm not getting that much done. i always feel like i have to work twice as hard to get the same results as others around me.

everyone i surround myself with is a perfectionist and i'm already so hard on myself. i try to achieve several levels of greatness...by comparing myself to several diff people who do completely diff jobs. and i am only one person...

(and, of course, nobody is good/great at EVERYTHING!)

so i either do a lot of things pretty well, but not well enough, or i end up not doing anything because i get too overwhelmed. i've chosen the second choice for now.

tomorrow will have to deal with all of these pending issues, because today gets the day off!

10 months later

2008-11-11T18:47:00.003-05:00

i was mature today...

i was able to forgive someone for something bad they did to me.

i am proud of me.

i will stop saying "i" statements in a moment...

...i am done with this post.

"ain't no sunshine" by bill withers

2008-11-05T13:04:00.003-05:00

i stuffed an earring into the hole in my face...

...i guess i'll keep it in there until i sleep tonight.

it's been nearly two weeks since i lost my labret---it literally slipped into the crack as i was washing my face one sleepy morning. i couldn't, or wouldn't, fish it out from the sink's drain.

so i just tried to find the existing hole and succeeded. i was relieved it did not close yet!! i gently poked my lip, with a steady hand and a sterilized needle, until a tiny droplet of blood emerged. there was no pain, and i wiped it with some rubbing alcohol. now i have a little flower yawning on my lower lip.

----one hour passes----

i am reading about sylvia plath. i must take a break, i can feel my breath drowning with her...

----one hour passes----

i finished flipping between the pages of an arts magazine and i nearly wept when i came across one of the spreads. it was so beautiful, i swear i could cry; if only i could...well, cry.

my mind is far too joyful to waste my tears, so i don't.

----15 minutes pass----

the delicate image was simply made of black ink on a blank white sheet of paper. the drawing was of a woman with overflowing hair, and a flying bird. i've already muddled up the portrait in my head and i've replaced it with what i'd want to re-create, using that sillhoutte as inspiration.

excuse me, i have a self-portrait to paint. perhaps i'll post a hole in her lower lip so that light and love may seep out of her and back into her. and a blue bird to capture her free spirit and essence.

----5 minutes pass----

wait, i don't have black ink.

if the facts don't fit, shuffle them until they do

2008-11-03T15:39:00.004-05:00

i realized now that i'm measuring my success here based on the ruler from over there...

...no wonder all of this did not add up!!

"stupid girl" by garbage

2008-11-01T18:42:00.005-04:00

i turned 25 a week ago.

i always imagined i'd do something grand for that day; i had it planned in my head, but never spoke a word about it to anyone. naturally, i spent it doing everything i did not want to do, in the manner in which i did not want it to be. i should have said something but i did not want to make a big deal out of it, so nothing happened. (this pride ___ has to stop.)

for the big day, i planned two overseas trips months ago to visit friends abroad, but each was canceled. then my parents, feeling sorry for me perhaps, arranged for a suprise weekend getaway for us, but that, also, got canceled last minute. so i decided to just stop being so childish and embrace my surroundings. we ended up going to bahrain and spending a very quiet and low-key day there, and an even quieter and lower-key night. we returned to saudi the day after...

i didn't have birthday cake again, but my friend did surprise me with a box full of frosted cupcakes. my parents and sister took me out for dinner and a few people called here and there, which i appreciated. i got to wear a new dress and i got two gifts, both articles of clothing.

i still have not celebrated anything with my friends here and i doubt that will happen. that is why my parents chose to save me and sweep me away to another "country" so i wouldn't be so bitterly disappointed. supposedly, i'm an adult now so i shouldn't be so bothered, and i'm not. the thing that bothers me, however, is that i have few occasions to celebrate for me. i am the one who usually celebrates everyone else and supports them with all that they do. i guess a birthday seems so petty and silly compared to their occasions of getting married and giving birth.

it was my one shot this year to celebrate something...for me, yet everyone was suddenly too busy with life to notice.

i can't believe i was so upset about the whole day weeks ago. it came and went without much noise.

...i've been so selfish.

a piece of peace

2008-10-22T18:15:00.002-04:00

put some of it back into the wrapper to save for later.

Plan L

2008-10-21T09:52:00.003-04:00

my new plan is to not fall apart...even when all versions of my alphabetized-plans do.

"killing loneliness" by HIM

2008-10-18T20:05:00.004-04:00

i'm creating a woodcut.

the image is a self-portrait i shot of myself. i printed the photograph, and now, i'm carving myself out of wood.

the soundtrack of the day has an alarmingly similar theme. all songs seem to be about a helpless romantic who is morbidly and masochistically dealing with loneliness...

which is what i fear i am doing.

i am being such a loner, despite all the socializing i've been doing. i am even morphing myself into a piece of furniture, because i can't face another face.

i feel useless; i need to make myself. literally...

so i'm creating art and listening to anti-love songs.

"emotion sickness" by silverchair

2008-10-17T16:42:00.003-04:00

i finally cried today.

it happened while watching the movie, "the hours."

now, i am not one to be moved in such a sappy way, but when i witnessed the story unravel, i felt so helplessly devastated. i know how tortured writers feel---i've been there many times...

...i am there now.

sometimes, when i am with people, the characters in my story come to life and they start to move around and interact. this is completely seperate from the world i create with my other forms of art. despite it all, i'm very alert and very much in reality; i notice every detail around me and i am very aware. i rarely, if ever, notify those around me that this is happening. it doesn't happen as often as some might assume, but it happens more times than you would think...

there was a line in the movie where virginia woolfe's sister tells her sons something like, your aunt is very fortunate, she is able to live within two worlds, one is the one she is in, and the other, the one in her stories.

i curled up with myself and my eyes were wet. that was as far as i could go. that was the best i could do. no loud weeping or sobbing, just some moisture to the face.

i'm so relieved.

tough luck

2008-10-16T20:12:00.000-04:00

i need support...

...but i'm too proud to ask for it.

two-week crash course

2008-10-13T21:31:00.004-04:00

i've discovered that i like doing homework...

also, i found out that i actually enjoy deadlines.

does this mean that i've subconsciously become a teacher?

"sleep in heavenly peace"

2008-10-10T21:08:00.001-04:00

Once again, I am the lone one awake within my time zone.

I am resting my head on a pillow made of feathers and rocks, upon a bed of endless thoughts. Stealthy slumber is managing a narrow escape of my stream of consciousness; but only for several temporary intervals. What time is it? Are you up yet? Am I up yet? How can it be daytime and nighttime at once?

The clock hates me, but I hate it even more...

My dreams are becoming too much of a reality, one which even I am unaware of. I am every character in every story, yet I am none of them. It seems that my entire existence does not exist. Who are you?! Are you me, or am I you? Watch the watch, it will help you focus and figure out where time has gone. Mine has sailed away and is snorkeling in the air. At least it is better than boxing under water.

I am slowly breathing steadily, as a crack of light enters the slit of my eyes. I am not quite sure what my role is for myself; but for now, at least, I am content with being seen as…merely asleep.

time management

2008-09-25T22:49:00.001-04:00

the more time i have, the less i do.

heart-shaped balloon

2008-09-23T11:38:00.005-04:00

all i have left of you now is a blurry blue stain, smudged fingerprints...and bacteria.

i should have popped you long ago, but i didn't have the heart to pin you down. i'm not sure why i was so reluctant though, i've found that you are merely made of chalky dead rubber and recycled air.

you shed both me and your skin so fast, i didn't recognize your new glossy coat. fill yourself, my love, with a fleshy belly of your own tears; you plump collection of nothingness.

i gave you my air supply last time, but this time, i'm keeping my breath to myself.

bright and early

2008-09-18T15:30:00.009-04:00

i woke up at 8:30 AM and let the light slip in between the tiny slits made by my window's blinds.

i took a walk. then sat. i read...then i cooked.

many hours later, it was time to eat. i found myself sliding into a soapy sledge into social-mania. i sat with many, but yet, i sat alone.

it seems i keep on inventing situations...i find myself investing more into leaving them...than actually arriving at them.

restaurants are happy graveyards, the final resting places for foods and appetites; one bite or sip and we've used those dead cells to nourish our own lives. i like to go to busy and popular cafes, not because of the hype, but because the food is fresh...it can't lay there slowly dying while awaiting execution. we chew and bite and swallow you whole. perhaps your reincarnation comes in the form of stuffy laughter, you offer us energy so we may murder another living creature.

i scribble on the napkins and tuck them into my journal. i draw and write codes which only my hand dares to speak. the napkins are full, and the page is as stuffed as my belly. it's time to go home.

here's a toast to your soul. the darkness has wrapped around us like a starry blanket. time for sleep.

size and stature

2008-09-18T15:30:00.006-04:00

just because i am small, it does not mean that i am.

mi abuelita

2008-09-18T15:30:00.003-04:00

she watered her plants when it rained, for reasons she never felt the need to explain. her salt-and-pepper colored hair was so soft, as perfectly seasoned as her cuban steak.

the years were not always kind to her, but she was always kind to the years. she never spoke of her desires, only listened to those who were foolish enough to mention theirs. she was always living in the exact life moment she was leading, not often skipping to the past---or the future. perhaps there is something we all should learn from her, to want to be exactly where our feet are. now this may not be entirely true, but don't let her know you think she is a secret-dreamer. sometimes, her gaze fixes at the sky, or the ground, for a brief moment; and she offers a shy smile to nothing and nobody---those are the bubbles i steal for myself and pretend not to have noticed. i try and ignore the sweet way she waters her plants, taking baby steps so as to not disturb their tiny petals.

i don't ignore those tender moments for myself, but rather, to protect her from being viewed as a dreamer.

life, duty and reality dictated her existence, and although she decorated her space with bright yellow flowers and kid-made art, she was the stone which everyone leaned on, for moments of reflection or for comfort or...hope.

canvas

2008-08-24T00:26:00.008-04:00

the invisible fingerprints are painting my skin, as i morph into a child once again.

the sheets of tears have started, gently framing my weary eyes. it was getting too loud to speak, so i started digging fingernails into my flesh, creating personalized little half-moon marks---my attempt to"wish upon a star." i started to feel my veins within, scribbling secret messages with bloody ink; the coded-words shyly dissolving with each sigh.

i am not even sure to whom these words are addressed to, or if they are meant to be decoded.

are they even words?

i can smell the oven baking and i imagine myself joining those little balls of mush. we were dipped into a sweetened bed of butter, rising steadily with each breath...

let the timer begin, as the heat wraps around...just don't let me/us burn.

looking back...

2008-08-22T16:23:00.000-04:00

i don't agree with myself.

selfishness

2008-08-20T01:09:00.001-04:00

you don't deserve me...

...but i deserve you.

slipping back down...straight to the ground

2008-08-05T21:07:00.006-04:00

i got lost driving in a familiar neighborhood today and tried to return back home. however, once i arrived, i felt trapped and cornered, so i logically locked myself up in a small room. i was too weary to venture out to the open wound, and yet, too eager to unfold my suppressed sorrowful vengeance. i needed the air to soak my thoughts so my words could stop spilling and staining everyone and everything.

please stop knocking! no, i am not hungry...and i do not need light.

stuff six years into two bags

2008-07-27T14:53:00.008-04:00

i'm anxious yet elated...life is finally here! rewind this fast-forwarded tape, and you'll find me standing there. while gazing upwards and downwards at the "cielo," i can't help but wonder, which current is currently rippling my way---or am i the one paddling towards the stars?

6 months

2008-07-20T12:05:00.001-04:00

you're the sweetest plate of sin i've ever tasted.

polaroid

2008-07-02T22:26:00.001-04:00

the hole is deep and small, yet the light will shine through it.

tame it, claim it.

shake it...

make it.

repeat

2008-06-30T23:00:00.000-04:00

i left guilt at the door...and entered the room.

i'll leave you at home, cause now i'm going home

2008-06-29T01:16:00.003-04:00

moving countries is like splitting your time between divorced parents. i'm fortunate enough to have happily-married parents 7amdilla...but i figure this is what the awkward transition must feel like.

what should i take, and what should i leave behind?

zombie witch

2008-06-15T16:39:00.002-04:00

i heard someone say that they "don't go to sleep to dream..."

i was confused at the time, but now, i agree. i, too, fall into the state of unconsciousness whenever consciousness is too heavy to keep afloat. it is not to stifle life from cutting into my flesh, but to numb it just until my senses are able to sense again. i don't take any painkillers or wear a shield, i let life hit me in the face, and i get myself back up...and walk on my own way.

now, don't be so sensitive, boy! i'm not repressed, depressed or compressed and i don't need you to save me! i'm just stating how i feel, and since i've expressed it, it's no longer eating me inside.

confusion is not an excuse, m**, it is a state of mind. my nighttimes are reserved for darkness, but there is still light slipping from my shades now, so, until the sky is painted in a darkened tint, sweet dreams, my sunshine.

gizelle

2008-05-26T16:06:00.003-04:00

thank you for always being the voice of jasmine-logic and reason...

...you are my favorite version of the superior me :)

p.s. when are we having our cupcake decorating party??!! i can't wait!

xxxx

art part II

2008-05-26T01:30:00.001-04:00

and no, i won't calm down, damn it!

anyone want gum?

haha.

art frustration

2008-05-26T00:57:00.007-04:00

this time, i'm the one in need of creative advice.

i have total art blockage. anything i try, sucks. i hate it, i hate it, i hate it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

all my "cool" ideas fell apart. nothing is working. the candy isn't sticking and neither is my patience with myself. i made charts and lists and even storyboards. they all have failed thus far. i'm so disappointed in myself...

the frosting looks yucky and the sprinkles are so humid they look like colored ants stuck on my lips. it was supposed to be a good shoot!!!! i'm so alarmed because i have three days to get everything completely complete. i have to come up with a new plan...

...but i have way too many clothes on my bed now and i'm sleepy and i have to go to the bathroom and i'm thirsty and i'm not in the mood to move.

i'll ask tom if i can bring the lights to do it at home. i will have to figure out where to put all this shit because i have no room. i hope i won't have to explain why i am bringing in a camera and lights into the bathroom...

i think i'll go to plan B. shoot bloody bathtub. plan A was the candy stuff...plan A/B was the cloth...

i guess i have to go the market and buy some red hair dye---that looks the most authentic.

i guess i'll just dye my hair red then...

(so many guesses.)

i feel slightly better. i neeeeeeeeeeeed this to work. i'll try again in a few hours.

we'll see how that goes.

or maybe i'll just pour chocolate syrup? do the other shoot? self-portraits are so intimidating! they all look so awful. no, no, no...

or the magazines...i forgot about those! fashion shoot with shots of fashion around...

i hate all of the above.

note to self: art sucks.

sheempie

2008-05-25T15:19:00.002-04:00

dear fluffy,

instead of counting sheep when you are about to sleep...

...count your multiple personalities tonight ;)

(i'm only kidding, you know i love you!!!!!)

warm wool hugs,
cheap jazz

xxxx

art advice

2008-05-17T21:33:00.006-04:00

this is an actual message i sent to a friend of mine this evening.

this friend is an extremely passionate and talented budding artist who is experiencing a ditch in the road. i received a long confession of utter depression and desperation---feelings of guilt and feelings of worthlessness, and feelings that their art is not worth crap.

in other words, artist's block took over.

i actually was in an extremely peaceful place, enjoying my saturday evening. i escaped to a corner and had to hold myself from letting out a loud sigh, because i knew exactly what this person is going through. i had to send the message immediately before the feeling of complete helplessness took over...

i've been masochistic to myself at times. i hate almost every product i've ever created, but i love myself whenever i'm creating it. it's a love-hate relationship, if there ever was one. same goes for my writing and my art...practically, my whole lifestyle!

most of the time, i feel my work is pointless and stupid...not anything worthy of viewing. who wants to look at freaky dolls and watch a film revolved around a bloody bathtub? who seriously cares about some of the images of myself covered in edible materials, or a piece of symbolic cloth? or of architecture...? how about the pity-drenched stories i've created? or the travel essays i wrote while looking out a tiny window of clouds, crying alone on an 11-hour flight, a million miles above the earth?

what's the POINT???? is there a point?? does it matter? do i matter?

(plenty, no, yes/no, and yes!)

being an artist myself, i knew this position all too well. at times, you have to feed your own ego whenever your gas tank is nearing empty. not everyone will understand what you do and why, and if they do, they don't understand the pain that goes with it. hell, it's good if you know why you do it!

art is a selfish act created in the most selfless way---at least that's how i view it.

so i'll post my exact response here, not only for my original audience, but for myself. every other project, i find myself faltering and sinking deep within a very-real imaginary hole, created with a few circular pencil strokes. a source which helped me a lot is a book i read cover-to-cover the moment i picked it up. it's titled: Art & Fear: Observations On the Perils (and Rewards) of Artmaking by David Bayles and Ted Orland. i only could pray that anything i ever create could give anyone as much inspiration as that book gave me.

i gave my own personal copy to another budding artist who was going through similar blockage. perhaps it might be time to purchase another...

or even write my own version!!! (i'm feeling unbelievably bold at the moment.)

this is the message i sent in response:

"look at a past project that you actually loved. make a list of what you want to do, and don't do it---look at others who have and watch them. stop pressuring yourself!! life is hard---art shouldn't be!!!!!! the most brilliant shit is either shit-on-a-stick or THE SHIT! don't worry about which one it is yet---just do it. hugs."

i wish someone gave me that advice, so now i give it to myself, as well. the words are simple and don't offer any major solutions; which is the best form of advice. i'm a strong believer of "signs" and i would weigh a lot of my decisions based on those signs. but, as a wise woman once told me, "sometimes, you just have to create your own signs." so i give my own advice to myself.

i hope it helped you, too.

don't worry, you are brilliant...

...thank you.

table for three, seating for one

2008-05-15T00:55:00.008-04:00

i enjoy writing on cafe napkins.

in fact, i collect them with scribbles and tuck them into the gutter of a book. i draw outlines of stories and jot down quotes i want to include in future pieces. sometimes, i doodle and write words and sentences and happy faces and thank-you notes. other times, i create to-do lists and try to re-create an appealing visual composition so i may attempt at recreating it.

i use it the way i use the pad of paper supplied by my hotel during a visit...i use it to make myself feel apart of where i am yet detach myself when i rip out that page to keep. it also serves as a great reminder of where i've been, like a literal diary-trail. i steal all the papers, pens, matches and hotel shampoos.

when i write on those blocks of thickened tissue, i linger. my thoughts drift to multiple conversations and even when i'm with company, i speak, listen...but i'm alone.

while i write, i watch those around me as they watch me watch them. like meeting new friends while on your travels, you are temporary friends frozen in a moment for all of eternity. that is my bond with the cafe napkins, old mailed envelopes and hotel stationary paper.

that is where i like to go. i miss you, barcelona.

i am sipping, sitting, dreaming and scheming...

identity theft

2008-05-13T01:05:00.002-04:00

this is the fourth unauthorized transaction which took place on my credit card.

i'm not quite sure why this someone, or group of someones, is/are so insistent upon purchasing items on my behalf. it almost seems to be a prank or a joke. only, i don't find it humorous in the slightest.

the first time, it was a cluster of online purchases from websites i had never heard of. the second, someone sent me a box full of jesus books, complete with christian love novels and guide books to living the jesus-life (if they were trying to lead me into the "jesus life" then they failed, 'cause these ____ are going to burn in hellll for stealing from me---THEY are the ones in need of salvation). the third? hooked-on-phonics for kids, featuring...baby einstein. i got billed for all of those purchases.

i wish i were joking...

and today, i find that someone purchased something from yahoo.com in my name. i'm beyond weary, and the banking people really aren't being helpful. they have yet to send me the affidavit---so my account is frozen, yet again.

i asked for that piece of paper four times already!

all they did was freeze my account and offer me a new card. well, my new card has a better picture of me and it looks prettier and i signed it in the back but i still can't use it because of all these "pending" transactions (which already deducted the amount from my account).

all of these unauthorized purchases totaled a few hundred dollars. it has been such a hassle to deal with being put on hold for lengthy periods of time and repeating the story over and over and over. i've wasted so many frustrated hours on the phone, and online, trying to sort this out. i even went to the bank myself and talked to all these friendly faces, but my issue has yet to be resolved.

i know these things nearly happen to anyone. my question is, why would anyone want to be me?

four times over?

just to clarify...

2008-05-06T22:08:00.001-04:00

no animal, human or otherwise, was harmed in the composition of the earlier post.

a lucky penny

2008-05-06T21:16:00.002-04:00

i've concluded that when things are fine, you'll never be alone.

when they are not, you'll never be left alone.

but with luck, you'll find yourself sitting besides you. i'll let you fly! paint the sky with your feathers, little one; you've already colored my world.

thank you, birdie, for fanning mystical air into my space.

i'm so sorry i locked you in a cage in my car...

i'll light a white candle in your honor and twist the rosary beads/masbaha until we both turn a deeper shade of purple.

a wad of gum

2008-04-22T23:01:00.004-04:00

it's time to change my orange bedsheets...

...but i'm not bothered.

there is something quite dreamy about laying in a bed soaked in color. it feels like a bubble bath with no foam---like a runny, saturated yolk staining the whites of an egg. i'll let the shapes of stars and scribbled-writing sink into the orange fabric, as my heavily-decorated legs stamp at random.

it was an utterly exhausting day. it has been an exhausting night.

i think i'm finally able to cope with work---somewhat. it is not easy to switch the lights on when you can't see brightness. but i believe that tomorrow has to be alive, because yesterday already died.

i hold my head, literally, because it is as heavy as a bowling ball. the headache is back and so is the doubt. i just need a "break" that won't "break" me. workaholics unite, i am one of you...

another girl whose name begins with the letter "j" inspired me today.

i must begin on my mission to smudge my world.

smear it with blood...

it would be my joy!

but for now, bedtime.

a windy pickle

2008-04-06T02:19:00.003-04:00

i didn't mean to talk about it, but it came out anyway.

my oral marathon had started, and i found no shortage of supply at the "word bank."

i collectively tossed out sentences like dental floss sweeping gracefully from newly-cleansed teeth. thin white threads weaving in between blocks of pearls was not a painful, nor dirty, operation, i found out.

when i looked at my eager audience after a time, with my idle lips on display instead of teeth and words, i became the listener, and they spoke. i could almost see them letting out a small prayer in my name while passing the big church on their way home. they wanted to protect me, and they wanted me to be safe...

...and i wanted the same for me, so i let them.

so now i sit, several hours later, comfortable in a cold room, with very dim-lights and an attire made entirely of white. at 4:14 a.m., i enjoy the sounds of the fierce wind rocking the trees as i gently dream.

three napkins are now wet, and a black line has been formed down my face.

it's raining outside.

i'm reminded of the sorrowful bambi animated film and it's song,"drip, drip, drop, little april shower..."

i hope tomorrow's sun dries all of yesterday's eyeliner-smudges away.

an egg

2008-03-25T01:24:00.002-04:00

i'm listening to the radio again. i guess i could just download a song, but i like the randomness of finding a song that was picked out for me. like a person who wants to wear a nice shirt but is too lazy to pick it out, i want to be dressed by someone for a change.

i realized that my unwillingness to expose my romantic side has more to do with my acquaintances than with me. i learned not to expect those around me to be romantic or nice in that way, so i trained myself to reject any hints of it. i don't deal well with rejection so i reject first. i suppose it's pretty childish, but my rationale is, if i step out of the way, that speeding car can't hit me. i take my risks and chances in other ways. i'm spontaneous only when i've reached my goal---only then, may i allow myself to realize a dream.

i miss my old bed...back home. it seems like that was all from a different era---it was definitely from another life. it was a time when my name was pronounced differently and i had visions of places i never knew existed. i just didn't realize that one day, one which has passed at this time, i would be fortunate enough to have visited some of them.

oh, my childhood room. the yellow and blue curtain was a veil to my window, much like the one i would wear over my hair. i kept all my little prized possessions in that room, some in a decorated box, and some randomly scattered around. i covered myself with a fabric of softness in my blanket, which served as a net, shielding my body beneath from all harm. when things got so bad and the screaming got so intense, i would just go under the covers and make up stories and sing myself to sleep, as i cried. i miss the crayon marks and the angry scribbles on the walls, now hiding behind a fresh coat of paint. i miss watching mindless TV late, late at night when everyone in my time zone was asleep. the TV helped pass the time and provided amusement to my eyes in ways i'm sure nobody intended. the radio is today what the TV was to me back then.

so i sit and listen now...

although it is on mute.

a bowl of chicken soup

2008-03-25T01:19:00.002-04:00

12:37 a.m.

4:44 a.m. and p.m.

8:24 p.m. and a.m.

10:26 p.m.

3:33 a.m.

11:48 p.m.

dight=day melting into day again

2008-03-22T02:11:00.006-04:00

i need to stop swimming in pools of self-pity. it is becoming insanely pathetic.

the water is becoming very shallow, and so am i.

i wish i could cry, but i can't. the pools are dry and it's so hard to stay afloat.

the feelings of intense guilt regarding the issue i start and end my day with linger, again. but i put them aside for a moment, and get on with my day, or night, or in this case, "dight." it is the only way.

my pillow flew out of my bed while i was sleeping yesterday. i simply turned over to the left side and my entire pillow slid out and landed on the floor. i woke up in a panic and attempted to locate my fluffy fluff. i had to turn on the light to be able to sleep in the dark.

i tend to fiddle with guilt late at night when nobody is around. i listen to sounds of pain and misery on the radio station, as the singers stroke my ears and remind me that others exist in this world besides myself. i like listening to the radio, it makes me feel less lonely at this hour.

i'm not alone though...

...i spent time with my hermano today. it made me happy and i hope we piled on some more memories like we stacked pancakes for dinner.

it is true that i can only write when i'm miserable. i guess it's a good sign that i have not written lately! but i felt the need to revisit and reflect. i'm in a fairly positive mood, despite appearances.

i'm listening to this amazing song. it makes me smile.

now a horrid one came on!!

maybe i'll try the sappy romantic music.

now THAT is depressing!!! back to the "love exists but it is poison to my achy bloody heart" station.

my life is going well, but i have such high hopes for myself that i fell short today.

tomorrow has to be better than yesterday. at least it has to beat itself.

i'm so thankful for life.

a happy place

2008-02-27T03:40:00.001-05:00

Like a block of black ice, it all started with a droplet of blood.

My hope was to move away from everything I have ever avoided. The fact is, life pulled me closer to all of those things, and now I have allowed myself to see light in the midst of that darkness. It turns out that fate was a much better judge of what my life should be.

It might seem to be overwhelming at times, but in reality, I have gotten what I have sought after. It was a blessing in disguise.

Those were just mistakes that happened to have happened. I need to be brave now and face things which are facing me.

I have no regrets, only guilt.

an exhausted mess

2008-01-23T15:20:00.000-05:00

I took a nap yesterday afternoon after I had taken a few sleeping pills I purchased at the drugstore for "emergencies." After a marathon of staying awake at odd hours and entertaining myself during continuous periods of nothingness, I decided that was my best solution---to swallow two shiny circles. I had to figure out how to end this vicious insomniac cycle, and this might be my ticket, I reasoned (with myself, no less). Job hunting was a full time position and I was already having trouble with my boss. Not only did I pounce at the sight of my email announcing a new arrival, but I equally dreaded the content of most of the newcomers. Hours were wasted and no word of worth came forth. I began to blur all the names of all the places I applied to and all I wanted to do was sleep. The tiny little beads I popped into my mouth immediately kicked in.

It was a good bad idea. I woke up at 6:00 p.m. and have not slept until now...at 3:45 p.m. the following day.

I'm beyond tired. I feel like my skin is sagging and my mood is dragging. Perhaps waiting until 8:00 p.m. to sleep like a good 10-year-old is too difficult, even for me, and I have been known to skip through three time zones in one day and a half and end up fresh faced. Now however, I feel as though I've set myself up for a torturous prank, self-inflicted pain...

What the hell am I blabbering about???

I can’t focus. My head is a sweaty fish bowl, with my thoughts swimming within it. I feel hazy and I am in a daze. It’s so hot but I can’t do anything about it, or rather, I’m too passive about it. The image of the happy red monster I drew into the fabric of my shirt is melting, or maybe I’m just sweating. Or maybe I’m just day dreaming about night dreaming.

a "pity party"

2007-12-12T03:31:00.000-05:00

it seems, the more free time i own, the less of it i actually do.

i've been less productive with all the idle time i've had lately---far less productive...and i'm starting to worry.

somehow, the hours keep melting away into a bowl of mush and then i'm forced to eat quickly, because for some reason, i'd forgotten to nurture myself and eat. i really don't feel as though i have 24 hours in a day anymore. ironically, the days seems longer yet i'm doing less things within them so they seem shorter.

i'm very confused!

perhaps i have a newly formed commitment issue. the projects i said i'd start have started as promised, but none have been completed because i did not set a deadline for myself. i never quit in my entire life, no matter how hard things got, and i never slowed down before so this is a weird sensation. i'm bored easily now and can't focus on one thing for too long.

even going out and hanging out, meeting new friends is not happening much anymore. i keep canceling things in my schedule and doing less and less with those around me. it was almost as though i wanted to be invisible for a while, and friends left messages asking me if i were "kidnapped" or "in hiding"!!

my old joy, talking on the phone, was silenced. i stopped answering phone calls or making any. but i realized, the real reasons were not because i was unhappy or suddenly became anti social. rather, i wanted to take time to focus on what i truly wanted to spend my time on, without the distractions. it just was my time to reflect and sit down and really listen to the sounds around me. i hated being alone before but now i'm forcing myself to be in that position, so i can better channel my energy and interests.

i'm doing more things which spark my interest and i'm reading a lot, which is an improvement to how i was before this time warp. now i'm challenging myself to go back and strike a balance between the two worlds.

i think all i need is a little support. since i can't find it in the form i desire, i'll just create my own support system within myself. one of my favorite quotes says "the only voice you need is the voice you already have."

now i'm attempting to polish my room a bit because of the upcoming festivities which will take place at my residence in the next two days.

it seems the more i clean, the more i see the mess. well, right now i'm talking literally! haha...

the storage situation at home has gotten weird and old things i gave away suddenly are re-appearing. i'm not sure what is going on or how this is happening! i gave away a bag of donations recently and some of those contents resurfaced at my house. i even started to question myself and doubt if i ever donated it but i made particular interest in making sure this time...and it just came back! maybe someone had an identical thing stored here to what i gave away or maybe i'm just going mad or someone is returning the items to me. all of it is just odd...

i give too much away all the time. sometimes, i give away all of me with the purest heart. maybe this is a sign that i really need to return myself to the rightful owner: me.

and now i need to tackle another deficiency...sleep, or rather, lack of it. it seems the more tired i get, the less sleep i get, and with almost no sleep, i become strangely active and miss sleep less. that is, until i crash at some random hour and recall nothing!

i guess i should add: developing a healthier sleeping pattern to my ever growing laundry list. i guess i'll try to enter slumber right now for a little bit, now that i've introduced the subject to my senses.

and why not...

...i've got 20 more hours of today to waste!

a one sided conversation with myself

2007-12-11T00:26:00.000-05:00

just 'cause you deserve to win, doesn't mean you will...

a pool

2007-12-09T12:30:00.000-05:00

i found two old notebooks which i scribbled into while living abroad last year and this summer. within them, i found so many names of people, whose faces i hardly recalled, in places i'd temporarily forgotten. the actual notebooks were not memories i had until i started reading...

...but now i remember it all!---the moment i landed in london and struggled to carry my bag up 100 flights of stairs by hand and doing so with a smile. the rainy day it POURED in vienna when we ran along the streets after eating too much food at the outdoor music festival, and laughing too hard all the way to our hostel! or the 5 ice cream cones we each ate in one day in berlin, which didn't stop us from ordering cone number 6. or the first night we were sound asleep in prague, with bugs, drunk czechs singing 5 blocks away and sticky weather as our companions. i remember when we got dressed up with pretty girlie shoes to see the opera and the stones and winding streets made it nearly impossible to gracefully walk, so i bought cheap flip flops on the way home and snapped pictures every two steps. i remember the shops, the museums, the art, the flyers and brochures. i remember the sounds, the smells and attempting to bargain hunt in a funny foreign tongue...and the view from my window. i remember the happiness...the beauty of being soaked in the light hitting the architecture and splendor. i remember when we didn't have covers on our first night in the apartment in barcelona and we bought beach towels to use as our blankets at 3:00 a.m. from the corner store! i remember all the good and bad times, and it all reminded me of how wonderfully lucky i was, and still am.

also within the pages of scribbles, i located some of my old phone numbers which i used while living in europe. i found travel notes, schedules, phone numbers of random people i met, doodles and to-do lists. the number i recall the most is my czech phone number, which was: 608-926481. i wonder if it still works, or if it is still a working number.

perhaps i'll call it sometime and see who answers!

travel is a state of mind, but a journey is when your body also goes on that trip. at least that is what i say!

i hope to be on a trip soon...and never forget those days and always remember to look to the next destination!

i'm excited and hopeful. i pray that luck, love and protection are on my side and no negative vibes journey with me on my travels.

...denial

2007-12-05T17:52:00.000-05:00

today was pretty useless.

i haven't slept yet, so it's still yesterday.